Greetings from the depths of Andalusia (Spain). It’s damp, dark, and the bats are currently having a heated debate about ceiling hierarchy, but I can assure you, it makes infinitely more sense than whatever piping hot mess is currently unfolding on the world stage.
I popped my head above ground long enough to catch up on the news, and frankly, I think I’ll stay down here. It seems the latest season of “Global Chaos” has jumped the shark. We have the President of the United States threatening to effectively delete the Canadian economy, his closest neighbour and supposed ally, with a 100% tariff. Why? Because those dastardly Canadians dared to consider swapping some canola oil for affordable electric vehicles with China.
Apparently, in 2026, free trade is grounds for total economic annihilation.
But the real pièce de résistance is the branding. Trump has kicked Canada off something called the “Board of Peace” for the heinous crime of… trying to peacefully negotiate a trade deal. You have to admire the sheer, ballsy Orwellianism of it. It’s a marvellous bit of marketing. It’s like starting a “Fight Club” and kicking out the first bloke who actually throws a punch.
Then we have the delightful petty slight of referring to Mark Carney as the “Governor” of Canada. It’s a subtle, passive-aggressive reminder that in this new world order, sovereignty is apparently a subscription service that Canada forgot to renew. Bless them.
And just to sprinkle a little extra Bond-villain energy on top, there’s talk of building a “Golden Dome” missile shield over Greenland. Because nothing says “stable global leader” like hollowing out a majestic icy island to build a lair that sounds like it was rejected from an Austin Powers script for being too on-the-nose.
Yet, amidst all this high-stakes posturing, the moment that really made me choke on my rioja was the casual, almost throwaway line about Venezuela: “We take the oil.”
No more pretending it’s about “spreading democracy” or “human rights.” It’s just the naked, unvarnished geopolitical equivalent of taking your neighbour’s lawnmower because you decided their grass was getting a bit long. It’s honest, at least. A real “chef’s kiss” moment of imperialist clarity.
So, yes. The world outside is currently a Victorian melodrama directed by a nihilist on a power trip. I think I’ll stick to the cave. The electric connections are sometimes iffy, but at least the bats have a coherent foreign policy.
Cheers to the “Board of Peace.” May their threats of total devastation be ever peaceful.
What’s your take on this latest episode of global absurdity? Let me know in the comments before we’re all tarred and feathered.
Until Next Time
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