Nations Shocked to Learn Currency Doesn’t Have to Feature Dead American Presidents
Economic experts baffled as countries realise they can trade without pictures of George Washington
GENEVA — In a stunning development that has left economists reaching for their smelling salts, several nations have reportedly discovered that international trade can be conducted using currencies that don’t feature the stern visages of long-deceased American founding fathers.
The revolutionary concept, dubbed “de-dollarisation” by financial intellectuals who clearly have too much time on their hands, involves the radical notion that countries might prefer to conduct business using their own money, or at least money that doesn’t require them to genuflect before the Federal Reserve every time they want to buy oil.
“It’s absolutely preposterous,” declared Dr. Montgomery Greenbucks III, Senior Fellow at the Institute for Dollar Supremacy. “Next thing you know, they’ll be suggesting that trade settlements don’t require a mandatory 15-minute PowerPoint presentation about the Boston Tea Party.”
China Leads the Charge with “Monopoly Money”
China, apparently unaware that the yuan is just “play money” according to several unnamed sources on Twitter, has been aggressively promoting its currency for international transactions. The audacity of suggesting that the world’s second-largest economy might have a legitimate currency has sent shockwaves through Wall Street cafeterias.
“We’re seeing countries actually choose to trade in yuan,” reported Janet Panicworth, a currency analyst whose portfolio consists entirely of dollar-denominated assets. “It’s like they don’t understand that only American money is real money. Have they not seen our movies?”
Russia Discovers Barter System, Economists Weep
In perhaps the most shocking development, Russia has begun trading energy with some partners using rubles, gold, or even, brace yourselves, actual goods. This primitive concept of “you give me wheat, I give you gas” has left Harvard Business School professors questioning everything they thought they knew about modern finance.
“What’s next?” asked Professor Sterling Dollarworth, clutching his Adam Smith bobblehead. “Are they going to start measuring value based on actual utility rather than our beautifully designed paper rectangles?”
BRICS: The Breakfast Club of Currency Rebellion
The BRICS nations (Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa) have been meeting to discuss alternatives to dollar-dominated trade, leading to accusations that they’re forming some sort of “anti-dollar breakfast club” where they sit around complaining about American monetary policy while eating continental breakfast.
“They’re probably plotting to use their own currencies for trade between themselves,” whispered an anonymous Federal Reserve janitor. “Like some sort of… economic sovereignty cult.”
Oil Producers Consider Pricing in Local Currencies
In news that has caused several petroleum economists to take extended lunch breaks, some oil-producing nations are exploring the possibility of selling their crude in their own currencies rather than dollars. This has led to urgent meetings where phrases like “but that’s not how it works” and “have they lost their minds?” are reportedly being used with increasing frequency.
Expert Analysis: “This Could Be Problematic”
Financial expert Dr. Ima Worried explained the potential implications: “If countries start using their own currencies, we might have to actually compete on the merits of our economy rather than relying on the fact that everyone needs dollars to buy stuff. This could require us to, and I shudder to think of it, maintain competitive interest rates and fiscal responsibility.”
The horror.
Central Bank Response: Stern Letter Writing Campaign
The Federal Reserve has responded to these developments by initiating a comprehensive letter-writing campaign, with Chairman Powell reportedly penning personal notes to world leaders explaining why the dollar is “super cool” and “definitely the best currency ever.”
One leaked draft reportedly began: “Dear Foreign Person, Have you considered that our money is green, which is the colour of nature and therefore clearly superior?”
The Silver Lining
Despite the apparent crisis, some economists remain optimistic. “Look, de-dollarisation has been ‘just around the corner’ for decades,” noted Dr. Sceptical McRealist. “It’s like fusion power and flying cars, always five years away. Meanwhile, the dollar remains the world’s favourite way to store value, mainly because the alternatives involve trusting politicians from other countries, and let’s be honest, nobody wants to do that either.”
In Conclusion
As the world grapples with this earth-shattering revelation that money can come in different colours and feature different historical figures, Americans are encouraged to remain calm and continue believing that their currency is backed by the full faith and credit of a nation that definitely hasn’t been printing money like a suburban mom with a new Cricut machine.
After all, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like the entire global financial system is built on the assumption of dollar dominance, and any significant change would require a complete restructuring of international trade relationships.
Right?
Right?
The author would like to note that this satirical piece should not be considered financial advice, mainly because the author’s portfolio consists entirely of cryptocurrency themed around cartoon dogs and therefore lacks any credibility whatsoever.
Until Next Time
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